Category Archives: Weird

Anxiety is Stupid

Very vivid dreams + regular anxiety + oddly specific situational anxiety = no good sleep for Sarah.

I have phone issues – I don’t like talking on the phone and I try my damnedest to avoid ever actually calling anyone (I love the internet so so much!). I had what must have been a dream last night though it took me hours to convince myself that it really was a dream.

In the dream, I woke up and looked at my phone and there was an email from a name I didn’t know, replying to me, something along the lines of “It will be fine” with no other information, not the original email, no hint who the lady was (and I remember it being a lady’s name but I don’t remember and didn’t recognize it). I woke up convinced it was a real thing, convinced I’d somehow sleep-emailed some poor lady. I went through my phone, the sent folder, the trash, no sign of anything.

I had a horrible time getting back to sleep. I should have given up the ghost and turned on the murder channel (Discovery ID) because I can almost always fall asleep to that. I managed a bit off an on until I was woken up at 5ish to wet dog feet in my neck – thanks Hubster! (He lets them out before he heads for the gym before work and apparently, the ground was wet today).

I still haven’t been able to shake this dream but it wasn’t a bad dream really, just a weird one that caused me to go a tiny bit bats trying to prove it was actually a dream and I did not, in fact, sleep-email some stranger. This is not the post I planned to write today but I guess you’ll get the one I was going to write tomorrow or over the weekend – my latest project turned out pretty cute!

This isn’t the craziest dream I’ve ever had but it was the most real-feeling. I’m still having trouble acknowledging that I did not email nor receive a reply from this imaginary lady. Even if the message itself is probably a good one. It’s always nice to be told that everything will be fine. Next time though, maybe the universe can convey that via rainbow unicorn or dancing flowers.


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Filed under Anxiety, Interesting, Life, Weird

Lessons Learned

We’ve come to the part of the year where I over-analyze everything and, since I happen to be laid up a bit, I might as well share more than I should. Every situation we come to is an opportunity to learn something. It may not always be something you wanted to know, but the truth remains. Just the other day I learned that I know way too many obscure Christmas facts and, according to my son, no one ever remembers who wrote what. Even if it’s Charles Dickens. And far too few people have seen one of our family favorites, Olive the Other Reindeer. This bit of knowledge makes me very sad.

I’ve learned a lot this year and very little of it did I want to know.

Good things I learned: I can laugh at almost anything. My stepmom has a really great family. My kids are awesome when the chips are down, even if they really worry too much. I was incredibly fortunate to have the parents I did. It is absolutely ok to stand up for yourself when people are being unkind or cruel, even if no one else sees past the official public face of said people.

Less than good things: Ibuprofen makes me rashy. There are not enough handicapped accessible facilities when you are limited in your mobility. And I was only on crutches – I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to try and get around when you’re in a wheelchair though the time may come when I find out. Prednisone makes me ragey and weepy. Some people are just plain compelled to one-up you in life, even (sometimes especially) when it’s about the terrible things (Is Munchausen by bragging a thing?). I do not understand that one. And the past never really goes away, ghosts crop up to clang their chains and muck you up just because they can when you least expect it. I also learned that even the smallest injuries can take me out now – for DAYS.

I like to sandwich the ick with better so I’ll go back to the good now. There are support groups out there for RA that don’t require me to physically go anywhere and they’ve helped me immensely in figuring this all out, especially understanding my bloodwork. I’ve learned by necessity to try and drink more water in the day before my bloodwork also but it really does make it easier and so much less ouchie. And best of all, though maybe bittersweet, it doesn’t matter how much time goes by, some ghosts still come to visit and I embrace them, even conjure them through perfume and shirts and I will never ever not want them to come and tell me stories in my sleep.

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Filed under Interesting, Life, Uncategorized, Weird

Better Enough

Things are getting back to normal-ish at my house. I can do dishes without dropping them, I’ve only needed my cane one morning this week, I can go up the stairs like a typical person (not down yet though, I’m still going sideways down the steps), and I can type. For five minutes at a stretch and half the speed I’m accustomed to. I’m hoping that, by NaNoWriMo (which I AM doing), the medicine I’m on will be working well enough to help me finally get the sequel to Hunter’s Crossing written and not languishing in a pile of notes, snippets, and scenes.

I ordered a thumb splint that I hope will be here in plenty of time to adjust to wearing it and typing with it. Most of my problem is in the left hand, thumb, wrist, and elbow. I’ve looked into thermoskin gloves, wrist warmers, and stabilizers. I’m pretty willing to try anything. I’ve looked into speech to text but I haven’t found one I like enough to use (plus I’m still trying to get over the whole talking to myself like an idiot thing – I write because I sound stupid when I speak dang it!).

I’m having some of those moments, I can feel the depression trying to say hello, trying to sneak in and take root. This isn’t an unusual thing. In fact, it happens pretty regularly but this year it’s compounded by the RA, the weight gain because I’m struggling to be active when moving hurts (and food is my blankie), and the general feeling of uselessness. Nothing has really worked to dig me out in the past so I’m trying something new. It seems silly but it’s not not working. I haven’t worn makeup for about two decades and, being a writer,  there’s not much call to get properly dressed every day, so I’m trying to do that too. I figure, if I’m going to be healthier than I’ve ever been (and I must be as I’ve seen ALL the doctors in the last few months lol), I might as well try and look it. I’m still not leaving the house too much so no one really gets to see it but, strangely, it’s making a difference anyway.

I got tagged in those pretty picture things on FB by a bunch of ladies. I won’t do them as I haven’t taken a picture I like in more than a decade but they partially inspired the whole trying to look like a functional person thing. For years, I’ve extolled the value of fake it till you make it but I don’t always follow my own advise. I’m trying to. I’ve joined a few groups – one focusing on getting healthy and an RA support group – and I like both of them a great deal. This year has been one of the worst I’ve had but that doesn’t mean I can’t make something good come from it before it’s done.

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Filed under Life, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Weird, Writing

Being Safely Scared

The horror genre is on my mind lately. In part, I’m on a serious re-watching binge (the inspiration being meeting Tony Todd and writing about Candyman for The Geek Girl Project) and in part probably because we’re reaching the part of the year where I can’t watch scary things for three months because the children will be home with me. The youngest isn’t old enough and the oldest is never sure what to make of actually scary things. Being scared is something of an acquired taste and I think being safely scared is a rush without the crash, like eating cake and not wanting to take a nap afterward (yep – I’m officially old now) is one of my favorite things.

I do enjoy being scared as long as it’s the right kind of scared. I don’t like being afraid. Bone deep, marrow chilled, how do we survive kind of fear is terrible and I don’t know anyone who likes that kind of fear. Millions live that life every day and no one should envy that fear. I’ve been that kind of afraid and I would not recommend it. I do think that knowing that kind of fear makes being safely scared even better. There’s that moment where it feels similar (never the same), the adrenaline is rushing through the blood, the heart is pounding so loud it’s like a drum in your head, and every hair is standing at attention. And then you remember that you are safe in a movie theater or living room and the fear abates without leaving it’s print on you. I think that’s why so many people like me enjoy these sorts of things – being scared without actually being in danger is an awesome thing.

I have had a movie cause panic attacks but never the scary ones, which are the ones you would think would do it. I’ve had certain thriller type movies make me uncomfortable (Maniac for instance), or completely grossed out (like the Saw movies), or disgusted (Devil’s Rejects etc), but not panicky which is nice for me. Honestly, I’m more likely to have a panic attack during Harry Potter of all things – I do not know why the Mad Eye Moody/Barty Crouch thing bothers me so much.

It doesn’t take much to startle me or make me feel uncomfortable but to actually scare me, at least as an adult, that takes some doing. I really love it. I hear Candyman’s voice in my head, the Hell Priest still lurks in the shadows of my laundry room when the light hits the one corner just so. I have a weird and overactive imagination and that doesn’t help. I tend to scare myself more than anything. One night a few years ago I stepped outside and the smell of freshly turned earth hit me and all I could think of were zombies. The fact that we’d been working outside that day planting and such completely vanished from my brain, logic took a backseat and my brain was absolutely certain it was zombies. And this is why I write – if I didn’t, I could probably convince myself that zombies are real but if I put all my weird on paper, it’s easier not to do that.

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Filed under Books, Movies, Weird

The sound of words

I have two wonderful children. I really do. Even when they go out of their way to irritate me. This week, it’s the words… We were talking about words – specifically the fact that my youngest likes to repeat specific words ostensibly because he likes the way they feel to say. Honestly, I imagine it’s a part of his autism that me and my older son also share. We discussed words we enjoy saying – we all agree on discombobulated. I love Irksome. Youngest loves words with more than five syllables. Oldest loves ten dollar words, regardless of their syllabic count (he’s old enough to enjoy showing off his vocabulary and young enough to still think it doesn’t make him look arrogant and obnoxious – I can’t say much, I was of that type myself once upon a time).

Of course, that conversation ends up on the other side, with all the words we don’t like to hear. I made the mistake of weighing in on this and now, my youngest child is singing the Bill Nye the Science Guy theme song saying my most squicky word where the word Bill should be. If I hear the word Moist one more time this summer, I might cry.

What are your favorite words to say and most squicky words to hear? For the record, I imagine squicky words to be the verbal equivalent to a nail on a chalkboard, shivers down the spine, hackles raised, and a slick heat in the brain that just says ewwww.

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Filed under Autism, Interesting, kids, Parenting, Weird


Not only is it my youngest child’s favorite word, it’s a good description for how I’m feeling at the moment. Not necessarily in a bad way I suppose.

I’m feeling a bit out of sorts lately. There’s a lot going on but, ultimately, it’s just weird. There are good things coming out of it so I can’t complain too much but I do hope things settle out soon.


Part of it may be that I’m working on two long projects in tandem. Fortunately, they are nothing alike so it’s easy to compartmentalize them. The main characters do share some personality traits in that they are both females who aren’t afraid to share what’s on their mind but they are also very different. One is fighting to keep her place in the world, the other to find it. One just wants to love her man, the other seeks to avenge hers. One is human, the other, not so much. One is definitely more violent and the other sees violence as a last resort, something to be used only in defense of someone else. One is a sequel, the other is a stand alone project. I love them both and I want to finish them both RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to finish them both as quickly as I’d like. I need some patience. I have none and I feel like that would be a useful thing to have.

In happier things (or at least geekier), I’ve been working on organizing the wall above and the top of my desk… I’m trying to see how many of my favorite fandoms I can get represented there. Right now, I’m at 19. Deadpool, Supernatural, The Crow, the X-Files, Twin Peaks, Star Trek, Hellraiser, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Wonder Woman, Guardians of the Galaxy, X Men, Batman, Star Wars, Doctor Who, The Watchmen, Big Bang Theory, cats, dragons, and gargoyles. (the last three are just things I love and not exactly fandoms but they get counted anyway). I’m missing more than I can ever find room for in just this little space. I’m planning to at least add in something Constantine, Harry Potter, Ender, Dune, and LOTR. Unfortunately, there is simply not enough room for all the fandom-type things I love.


Filed under Life, Weird, Writing

Disclaimers and Default Settings

Sometimes I feel like I need to introduce myself with a disclaimer when I meet someone new. Something along the lines of: Pay no attention to the weird that comes out of my mouth. My imagination’s default setting is creepy and the words tend to escape before I can catch them. Promise I’m not quite as messed up as I sound!

I can’t help it. Maybe it’s too many years of scary books and movies. Maybe it happens because I sometimes write creepy stories and they have to come from somewhere. Maybe it all stems from the fact that I fall asleep every night to Forensic Files. Maybe I’m just strange and creepy. Who knows.

The other day we were driving somewhere and on the side of the highway was a relatively clean green and white cooler. I said something about how it looked like it’d been set there, not like it had fallen off the back of a truck or something. The hubster wondered what was in it. Immediately, without thought or hesitation, I said “body parts.” Who is going to stop on a busy highway to see what’s inside a nondescript, millions in production, everyone has one in their basement cooler? If it were hunting season, the answer would probably be the case but they’d be deer parts and therefore uninteresting anyway. In reality it was probably someone’s picnic but what’s the fun in that?

It’s like my brain wants things to be creepy or disturbing. Here’s a lovely drawing of a pretty girl. Here’s a the story of how she died and became a lovely, if demented ghost! Look, a beautifully kept old house! There’s a haunting. Look, a shiny new house! Did you ever see Poltergeist?  There’s a lovely sunset view of a quaint little rural community! Bet this is where the aliens will attack first.

At least the hubster is accustomed to me by now (he’d better be after so many years!). I don’t think he thinks anything of it anymore. For me, these elements will, one day, make into a story (in one case, it already has and said story is looking for a forever home), but in the mean time, I’ll file them away in the neat and creepy section of my inspiration files and let them stew until there’s a plot to go with them.

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Filed under Weird, Writing