Tag Archives: life

Time Change

The clocks have been changed and I’ve given up my hour to whatever powers decided this was a thing we still need to do. I understand changing the time for agricultural purposes but times and technology have changed and it’s not really a thing we need to keep doing. As a mom with a kid who is entirely rigid with his time and schedule, I hate time changes – it throws everything off for like a week. It did, however, get me thinking a little bit (I know, everything does that).

Time is a weird thing. For some things, it’s like no time has passed at all. For others, it feels like an eternity has passed when it’s been no time at all. I saw today that it’s been 8 years since Cory Haim died – that doesn’t seem right. It can’t have been that long. Later this month, I’ll have been married for 18 years which falls into both categories – I barely remember a time when my husband wasn’t in my life and it seems like just yesterday that I looked at him and saw forever. I swear to you that my kids were just babies and I’m still closer to 20 than 40 but also, I’ve been here since time immemorial.

Last night I was catching up with an old friend who I haven’t seen in ages but it didn’t actually seem that long. I think my sense of time’s passage is skewed. I don’t feel any different now than I did twenty years ago – except an extra lot of pounds and an immune system who loves me so much she’s trying to kill me. I might have gotten a smidge dorkier if only because I’ve had time to take in more of all the things I love.

Unfortunately, time is fleeting and I have no TARDIS or Delorean so, we must make due with what we’ve got and make the most of it. I hope I’m doing that and often worry that I’m not but, all I can do is my best and hope that’s enough.


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Leveling Up

My Dad

I think I’m getting better at grief. Maybe I leveled up and didn’t realize it somewhere along the way. I’ve been sort of offline for a few days – here but not here and mostly just playing Words with Friends and lurking on Reddit. My dad has been gone for a year now, the day came and went with no fanfare, no whistles or bells. I don’t know what I expected I guess. I am a little surprised that I didn’t dream about him. Maybe the melatonin is giving me more vibrant dreams at the cost of the vibrant, meaningful dreams that tend to poke at me around special dates. I didn’t dream of my mother around her birthday this year either. Like I said, I think I leveled up and didn’t hear the sunburst sound or get to allocate my level points.

It feels like so much has happened in this first year that he missed. I wrote a book that he’ll never read. I don’t have the right words for how upsetting that is. I’m kind of glad he missed all the health crap – he would have tried to help more than he should have because he was like that. The oldest kid continually surprises people with his talents – acting and singing. I know Dad would have loved to see the boy be Edgar Allan Poe and completely kill it. The youngest kid has tried a bunch of new foods – many of which my Dad loved to cook (granted, he loved to cook pretty much everything but still) and has come so far. He’d have been so damned proud of them both.  And me too, for that matter.

I find I’m standing up for myself a little bit more, putting up with nonsense a little less. I’m not sure if it’s because of said leveling up or if I just don’t have the energy to placate people or stroke their egos anymore. Plus, I have much less time now that I can type again. All the words belong to me now – still a bit slower than I’d like but I’m so happy with the volume and quality of them!

My phone is incredibly quiet now – no one calls to kibbutz with me or texts final jeopardy answers anymore. I miss him a lot. I did however finally go back to his favorite restaurant – there’s only so long I can go without Theo Yanni’s baklava cheesecake (which is even better than it sounds). Heck, maybe that’s when I did the leveling up. Somewhere between the spanikopita and the cheesecake, the horn must have trumpeted. I guess that means my points are all automatically assigned though. Which is a shame. I would really like to assign some points to learning freedom of movement.

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Still the same after all these years

Playing with makeup again after all these years is making me feel a little like one of the lost boys in Hook when they’re finding Peter’s face. After all these years, it’s still me under the weight, under the effects of time. Maybe a little more Morticia than Lily now – no more too pale powder for me – but that’s a good thing as it was always Morticia I wanted to be. Well, with slightly purple hair, in the right light.

I am completely capable of appearing normalish. For the sake of my kids anyway. I’d really rather not. I’m so much more comfortable with the darker, wilder, sparklier stuff. And really, I don’t actually go out much so what’s it matter if I look like I’m headed to see Peter Murphy or Lisa Gerrard play every day?

In any case, maybe the rest of me is still in here too – that fearless one who didn’t overthink every single word she said or every single step she took. The one with too much confidence and too loud a mouth. I kind of miss her sometimes.


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Goals for 2018

I think everyone gets at least a little introspective this time of year, looking back at the progress made, the failures, the successes, the gains and the losses. There’s a lot about life you can’t control so goals don’t always come to fruition but I really like to have them. I like to separate them into categories also – personal stuff, professional stuff, and the stuff that doesn’t really fall into either category.

Personally: I’d like to lose the weight I’ve gained (or rather, never lost after my youngest kid). I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin again – or at least as much as I can be. I would like to find a foundation or concealer that actually covers all my stupid red splotchies that have suddenly decided to be part of my life (yay weird effects of my RA or the medication for it). I’d like to be a little better at peopling this year also – less tripping over my tongue and more making sense. I’d really like to feel comfortable enough with myself and my anxieties to get pictures done – we haven’t had a family photo done since before my youngest was born and we should really do that – I just really hate being in pictures.

Somewhere in between the personal and professional is journaling. Not blogging. Not really a bullet journal. Just a journal, for me. It’s always helped before to get all this ick out somewhere and I just happened to get a pretty awesome Solo in Carbonite journal for Christmas.

Professionally: I’d like to write three books, four short stories, and forty poems. Those seem like doable numbers for me. I’d also like to do a little more artsy stuff than craftsy stuff – maybe not for the craft fairs but for the Etsy shop. I’ll be happy if I can get three of the things in my head to be real tangible things, especially some of the mixed media type art in my head. I’d like to do at least five vendor events and maybe a little convention. Maybe. I’ll be ridiculously happy if I can write some words no fewer than five days a week.

The stuff that doesn’t fall into either category are more like hopes than goals. I’d like to go a year without a panic attack. I’d like to go a year without a major loss in my life – real, imagined, personal, or otherwise. I hope we can get my RA under control. I hope my kids continue to do awesome in their classes and in just being awesome people. I hope my husband has the best year ever. I hope my friends and family have awesome years also.

I’m just tired of being sad so I’m really hoping for a year with a lot less of that. I’m taking steps to do what I can do feel better – it’s not working just yet but these sorts of things take time. Much more time than I had imagined.


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Filed under Crafting, etsy, Event, Geek, Interesting, Life, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Writing

Merry Christmas!

Merry Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Blessed Everything! I really do adore this time of year. Love it. This year has been more difficult than most for me but that doesn’t change my love for it. Besides, only the best part of it remains – all that squealy, happiness, the giddy laughter of children who discover wishes fulfilled that they didn’t even think to make yet.

I didn’t get all the things done I wanted to and that’s ok. I can try again next year. Hopefully, by then, I’ll have my immune system under control and not find myself laid up for 1/3 of my decorating time. I did get two things made. They aren’t great, certainly not worthy of pictures, but at least they’re finished and really, the shiny blue ditto pillow isn’t awful but I did have a fabric related stitchery issue and Oogie Boogie looks too happy but that’s also ok.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I’m not going to be online today – I’m going to be having fun with my kids and my family. I’ll be missing some people who should be here also but I’m doing my best to not be maudlin. I’ll be back later in the week with all the end of year stuff, goals and things of that nature.


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Lessons Learned

We’ve come to the part of the year where I over-analyze everything and, since I happen to be laid up a bit, I might as well share more than I should. Every situation we come to is an opportunity to learn something. It may not always be something you wanted to know, but the truth remains. Just the other day I learned that I know way too many obscure Christmas facts and, according to my son, no one ever remembers who wrote what. Even if it’s Charles Dickens. And far too few people have seen one of our family favorites, Olive the Other Reindeer. This bit of knowledge makes me very sad.

I’ve learned a lot this year and very little of it did I want to know.

Good things I learned: I can laugh at almost anything. My stepmom has a really great family. My kids are awesome when the chips are down, even if they really worry too much. I was incredibly fortunate to have the parents I did. It is absolutely ok to stand up for yourself when people are being unkind or cruel, even if no one else sees past the official public face of said people.

Less than good things: Ibuprofen makes me rashy. There are not enough handicapped accessible facilities when you are limited in your mobility. And I was only on crutches – I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to try and get around when you’re in a wheelchair though the time may come when I find out. Prednisone makes me ragey and weepy. Some people are just plain compelled to one-up you in life, even (sometimes especially) when it’s about the terrible things (Is Munchausen by bragging a thing?). I do not understand that one. And the past never really goes away, ghosts crop up to clang their chains and muck you up just because they can when you least expect it. I also learned that even the smallest injuries can take me out now – for DAYS.

I like to sandwich the ick with better so I’ll go back to the good now. There are support groups out there for RA that don’t require me to physically go anywhere and they’ve helped me immensely in figuring this all out, especially understanding my bloodwork. I’ve learned by necessity to try and drink more water in the day before my bloodwork also but it really does make it easier and so much less ouchie. And best of all, though maybe bittersweet, it doesn’t matter how much time goes by, some ghosts still come to visit and I embrace them, even conjure them through perfume and shirts and I will never ever not want them to come and tell me stories in my sleep.


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Girl stuff is difficult

I’ve never been a real girly type girl. Growing up, I didn’t like the frilly dresses, rebelled against pink, and preferred my hightops to mary janes – much to my poor very girly mama’s dismay. I think that’s one of the reasons my mom was all for my hippy leaning goth aesthetic as I got older – I wore dresses again and flouncy skirts and beautiful heels – even if they were all black in color, they were fancy, flouncy, and twirl-worthy. I used to wear makeup every day and do my nails and hair, the whole shebang. And I haven’t done any of that in 17 years or so.

I haven’t worn any sort of makeup on a regular basis since I was pregnant with my oldest kid. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the RA that’s making my skin stupid – red splotches here, dry there, greasy over there, and just an uneven mess – but it’s awful (even if the husband swears he can’t tell because he’s a very sweet liar face). So, I’m trying to be a little more put together and I’m mostly discovering that either I’ve forgotten how to do makeup entirely or makeup has seriously changed in all that time. Really, it’s probably a little of both. And apparently, I still prefer the hippy leaning goth aesthetic but sparkly. I really love the sparkly.

Tutorials and videos make the whole process look easy – it should be easy – but it’s not. Everything looks like a muddled fuddled mess when my skin isn’t allergic to it in the first place. I’ve been picking up samples all over the place as I can, trying to find things I can actually use but mostly, I’m just slapping stuff on my face, covering most of the red places, and being annoyed that it doesn’t look right. My nails are brittle and stupid and, apparently, I’m not supposed to use acrylics on my meds. Seriously? Bah. My hair is too fine to do anything with. Basically, I’m a ball of complaints and half of what I try makes things worse, not better.

I did get a really great witch hazel sample from Maple Holistics that, so far, I’m not reacting to, even though it does have aloe which I usually react badly to, but it needs a week or so to really know for sure. I’ve had more samples work out than not which surprises me a lot – maybe my skin is getting a little less reactive in my old age. Well, at least on my face. I am having some other skin issues I’ve never had before but they’re all part and parcel of either my disease or it’s treatment so, what can I do but work around that or cover it up.

I do wish it wasn’t so complicated or difficult (or freaking expensive!) to make myself feel pretty. And no, there will be no pictures until I’m confident that I don’t suck at it (and until I’m looking at smaller numbers on the scale). I wish I could get my favorite V ladies – Val Garland and Ve Neill – in a room for an hour so they could teach me how to do this properly as I am a very bad Instagram, YouTube, and Pinterest student.


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Filed under Life, Rheumatoid Arthritis

So far behind

I know there are things I usually have done by now that I am nowhere near finished with. It’s driving me a little bit nuts. The weather is being a bit weird and my body is feeling it in very weird and new to me ways. I did figure out what to make the kids this year but they’re the only ones getting mama-made presents. I just don’t have it in me this year to do more and that’s okay. Hopefully, I can still manage a straight (ish) line with my sewing machine lol. I won’t post anything about it until after Christmas as the youngest child lurks here quite often.

I’m working on the yearly wrap up and next year’s goals and stuff and there’s not a lot of good in this year and I will be so glad to see it go. Last years goals didn’t even come close to being met. There was a lot that was out of my control but I really could have done better. 2018 has no choice but to be better than 2017. Except, I’ve said that every year for a few years and each year has shown me how much worse it can get so maybe this year I’ll say something different come New Year’s.


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Filed under Crafting, kids, Life

What a Difference

medication (or the lack of it) can make! We’ve started tapering my already low dose prednisone and I’m feeling a lot less … boom. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it. It’s like I was feeling things too big if that makes sense. It couldn’t come at a better time as I always get weepy in December and this year, Thanksgiving is already going to be difficult. I’m a little more sore and achy than I was before but I’m definitely willing to push through that in exchange for not flipping out over everything or feeling like I want to cry all the time.

I’m definitely not going to win NaNoWriMo this year but I will have a draft for Leilani and Blake’s second book before the end of the year and I’m really happy with that. I have a lot of projects in my head, it’s just a matter of putting them on paper. It used to be I could work five projects at once but my brain is not working with that right now so, I’m going to have to focus on just one. If I can write a minimum of 500 words every day – which isn’t really that much when you break it down – I can get all of my projects finished. I’m really excited for some of them to get out of my head and into the hands of readers. I expect to have Hunter’s Hell finished by the end of the year and Eldercynne Knight by Valentine’s Day and Gods of the Fallen by my birthday. In that order. If I keep it in that order, maybe I’ll get done a little faster because I am super excited by Gods of the Fallen – some of the ideas are just so neat to me. I’d also like to get back to my poetry a little more but I have to figure out how that will fit into my writing schedule.

I think there’s more of my anxiety and depression rearing up than I usually like to admit to. I don’t think all of my sleepiness is just RA related and I know my inner critical voice is just going bananas over every misstep I’ve ever made in my life. It’s not like this part of things is new, I should be old hat at this by now and have it under control already. Except we all know that’s not how these things work in the real world.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’ve got plenty to be thankful for, even if this year has been just a gaping hole of I’d really rather not. The kids are awesome, the husband is awesome, they’re all healthy and that’s enough for me right now. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and get to spend some time with family and eat some yummy stuff. Tomorrow, I make pumpkin pie and a veg and that’s all anyone is expecting of me and that is glorious.


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Filed under Health, Interesting, Life, Rheumatoid Arthritis, WIP, Writing

Better Enough

Things are getting back to normal-ish at my house. I can do dishes without dropping them, I’ve only needed my cane one morning this week, I can go up the stairs like a typical person (not down yet though, I’m still going sideways down the steps), and I can type. For five minutes at a stretch and half the speed I’m accustomed to. I’m hoping that, by NaNoWriMo (which I AM doing), the medicine I’m on will be working well enough to help me finally get the sequel to Hunter’s Crossing written and not languishing in a pile of notes, snippets, and scenes.

I ordered a thumb splint that I hope will be here in plenty of time to adjust to wearing it and typing with it. Most of my problem is in the left hand, thumb, wrist, and elbow. I’ve looked into thermoskin gloves, wrist warmers, and stabilizers. I’m pretty willing to try anything. I’ve looked into speech to text but I haven’t found one I like enough to use (plus I’m still trying to get over the whole talking to myself like an idiot thing – I write because I sound stupid when I speak dang it!).

I’m having some of those moments, I can feel the depression trying to say hello, trying to sneak in and take root. This isn’t an unusual thing. In fact, it happens pretty regularly but this year it’s compounded by the RA, the weight gain because I’m struggling to be active when moving hurts (and food is my blankie), and the general feeling of uselessness. Nothing has really worked to dig me out in the past so I’m trying something new. It seems silly but it’s not not working. I haven’t worn makeup for about two decades and, being a writer,  there’s not much call to get properly dressed every day, so I’m trying to do that too. I figure, if I’m going to be healthier than I’ve ever been (and I must be as I’ve seen ALL the doctors in the last few months lol), I might as well try and look it. I’m still not leaving the house too much so no one really gets to see it but, strangely, it’s making a difference anyway.

I got tagged in those pretty picture things on FB by a bunch of ladies. I won’t do them as I haven’t taken a picture I like in more than a decade but they partially inspired the whole trying to look like a functional person thing. For years, I’ve extolled the value of fake it till you make it but I don’t always follow my own advise. I’m trying to. I’ve joined a few groups – one focusing on getting healthy and an RA support group – and I like both of them a great deal. This year has been one of the worst I’ve had but that doesn’t mean I can’t make something good come from it before it’s done.


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Filed under Life, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Weird, Writing