The Continuing RA Voyage

I’d started a post about some of this a few days ago that I didn’t post as it was more annoyance than I like to post on my blog and I’m trying to do better at letting some things go, even when they frustrate me. I’m two years in to this journey now, coming up very soon on the second anniversary of my first rheumatologist appointment and all the official stuff. I’ve come a long way but it’s not perfect yet and I’m certainly no where near what someone might call remission. But I’m feeling better today than I have in two and a half years and that’s a lot.

My rheumy diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia (though that’s more of a catch all for the pain I was still having that wasn’t precisely presenting like RA). I’m on methotrexate and nortriptyline. I’m taking a women’s daily multivitamin with energy boosters and an omega-3 supplement because I don’t eat fish. I’m no longer crashing out at 1pm every day or even really taking a nap. The pain is mostly under control – it’s less pain now and more discomfort. I can finally focus on other things beyond what’s hurting today. I needed to lose about 100 pounds according to both my rheumy and my gp for my health (and to avoid some scary things in my family history). I’d like to drop 120 pounds aesthetically but I’m much more concerned about the health stuff. Having all the extra weight on my joints exacerbates all of my issues.

I am not good at losing weight. I’m certainly not good at it when I’m not paying attention. Food is my happy place and that’s great for my taste buds and horrible for my waistline. This year has had some major ups and downs medically – stupid scary lumps and cyclical depression – but it feels like I’m coasting for the time being and that’s not bad. Because I’m feeling better, sleeping better, and all that, I can really focus on the weight.

I was poked at the other day for using diet as a means of weight control but there’s not a lot of options when the kinds of exercises that are most helpful are hurty and take me days to recover from. Some people just can’t or won’t understand that all the things I do today, I will pay for tomorrow. I am constantly in energy debt, borrowing against my tomorrows. If I wasn’t living a situation where I can set my schedule and not move for extended times, I don’t know what I’d do. So yes, my primary weight loss tool is counting calories. It’s also the only thing that has ever worked for me. And it’s working again now. I’ve lost 10 pounds since I started up again with the MyFitnessPal app (only 90 more to go). I also bought a little peddler because I CAN do that without hurting my knees or feeling like I can’t move for three days (like aerobics or wii boxing or wii tennis or hiking).

Part of my desire to lose the weight is just for me though. I am not comfortable in this skin. Telling me I should be, spouting body positive things at me, aren’t going to change my personal ideal aesthetic. I would rather look like Morticia than Mad Madam Mim thank you very much. That’s a personal preference – my personal preference. I don’t mind being curvy but I do mind that I could probably pass for pregnant without a whole lot of effort. My baby is about to turn 13, I should really have lost it by now. It’s a happy side benefit that losing this weight would be beneficial for my diseases and possible help me avoid some of the scary things that run in my family – type 2 diabetes and heart disease for instance. I’m not wanting to lose weight for other people’s opinion, just mine, so leave me to it thanks. Honestly, I have to pay attention to the calorie intake as, if I’m perfectly honest here, I’m just as likely to eat the whole pizza as I am to have just one slice of it. Counting calories helps me not to do that.

Slipping

With all the everything and life going on, my lose weight journey took a nose dive (much to the annoyance of my rheumatologist…) and I’m right back where I started. Mondays are good days to get back on track so, that’s the plan – starting tomorrow. I’m not talking anything crazy because I honestly can’t do anything crazy but I think my knees would be happier if I lost about 80 pounds. Ok, they’d be happy with 50 but I have a dress that says 80. It’s not going to be easy and I’m going to have to schedule around it and go back to counting all the stupid things I eat again but it’s gotta be done.

The biggest problem I have is that a lot of the activities that are good for losing weight are a bit more than my body is willing to do. I loved my kettlebell but I don’t trust my hands not to actually throw it during a throw. The wii fit is an evil cruel thing who hates me. Pokemon Go crashed my phone and pavement hurts my feet. It’s too cold to go hiking. Zumba is too embarrassing – my mother always said I had the grace of a pregnant cow (and she was being too kind). So, it’s back to MyFitnessPal for me – counting all my calories and what little activity I do manage – thank goodness for stretching and grocery shopping and probably getting back to yoga again (it’s hard with the dog who is in my personal space all the time). I really liked the fitness game on the Xbox but they discontinued it so I ordered a very old fitness game that they can’t just stop and we’ll give that a try, the reviews I watched made it seem like exactly the kind of thing I might actually use so we’ll see.

I struggle with weight for two reasons. The first being that food is my therapy, my best friend, and my favorite hobby and the second being that all the other things I like to do or am good at doing are very stationary and solitary. I work from my home, on my computer or doing artsy sorts of things.  I know it’s better to be lighter for a lot of reasons beyond just my shape – my rheumatoid arthritis makes things hard enough and being lighter will help to slow the progression of the disease and the research all shows that keeping active and moving helps to keep the joint operable longer in the first place. There are a million reasons to work at it and only two reasons not too – laziness and a love of pastries, breads, and gummy bears. I’m not planning on giving up my bread so it’s the laziness that’s going to have to go.