Adjustments

I am slowly adjusting to an emptier house. Slowly. My boy texts me pretty regularly which helps a lot. It’s weird to only have my younger son at home but he does keep things interesting! And I’ve got the dogs who seem more or less resigned to the oldest not being home (even if they do keep checking his room like he’s going to have miraculously shown up when they weren’t paying attention). The new normal is getting easier for us all.

I wasn’t really prepared for this part of motherhood. It took a long time to get used to the idea that my whole heart now lived outside my body. And then I had to send them to school where all the other people are. And I had to try not to let my issues with people become their issues (fortunately, they are both social butterfly types who seem to thrive on being around other people).  And now, they’re getting ready to see what they can really do. I am glad to have kids who want to be independent. Even if I miss them, worry about them, and want to pester them all the time, I really am glad. My husband and I have always felt that it was our job to give them a solid foundation and a bit of a security net, just in case, but not a tether or barricade. Our goal has always been an empty nest but in practice, I’m not a fan yet of even half empty.

I want my kids to be independent, awesome grown ups doing amazing things. I have every faith that both my boys will do just that. And somehow my heart will still feel whole, even when it’s divided up and hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away.

 

Emptier Nest

It’s not empty yet but it’s getting a whole lot closer. My first born is about to be headed to college and I’m so excited for him and proud to be his mama and sad that one of my skizzlebutzes is heading out into life. (Side note: I have no idea what a skizzlebutz is or how it’s spelled and Google failed me but my mama used to call me that and I’ve always called the kids that so hopefully it’s nothing awful). It didn’t actually seem really real until we had his graduation party. Between that and the growing pile of whatsits and doohickies that he needs to outfit his dorm room, it’s really sinking in now.

He’s excited and I’m excited for him. The opportunity he’s been given, the program he’s in at the school he’s in in the city he’s in, it’s all amazing and I can’t wait to see what he does with it. I know I’m going to miss him and I’ll be a little sad but holy moly, this is amazing.

I’m not worried about him – he spent a big chunk of a year doing a lot of the adult sort of stuff when I was having my first RA flare for all those months. He did the laundry and the dishes and a lot of the housework sort of stuff (not ashamed to say he’s a lot better at cleaning than I am). He’s understands financial responsibility a lot better than I did at his age. He’s never been my wild child and he’s never given me cause to worry about him. I feel a little guilty that I’m not more worried about that sort of stuff.

I’m sure I’ll cry when I go to watch something we would have watched together. I’m sure I’ll cry a bunch because I do that. That doesn’t mean I’d rather he were home. I don’t want to be an anchor, I want to be a lighthouse. I want to be there when it’s stormy and bleak but I don’t ever want to be the thing that holds him back or keeps him down.

That’s not say I don’t worry or won’t worry – I’m really good at worrying about stupid shit that might never happen. I’ll haunt the news sites of his new city and find new ways to worry about him because this is a big scary world and because that’s part of my heart going off on this grand adventure but I’ve got my fingers crossed that his dad and I have done our jobs well enough that he figures out the flying part with nary a glance over his shoulder at us. Fly my little crow, fly.

Transitions

This week, my oldest child graduates high school and begins the journey to the next phase of life. In his case, it’s Emerson. He’s always loved Boston and now he’ll get to live there. He’s so excited. Honestly, so am I. Everything about this program fits him like it was made just for him. I think he’s going to be right at home there and do well.

My parenting philosophy has always been that my job is to make sure he’s ready to stand on his own. I love my kids with all my heart but I want to see them both live their own lives and do amazing things. Yes, I’ll miss them like crazy. Yes, part of me wants to wrap them up in bubble wrap and keep them home but I know that’s one of those things that is normal to feel but crazypants to try and actually do. We raise our kids until they’re ready to fly. That doesn’t mean they can’t come home if they need to but letting go is an important step in parenting. Just as he is transitioning to a new phase of his life, I am too.

My stomach does a little dance every time I realize that he’s not going to be close to home, where I can come get him easily if he needs me to. Not that he’s ever really needed that but I always pictured myself as his safety net and now he’s going to be working without one. And there’s a big part of me that’s going to miss him oodles. It’s going to be really hard for me to get away from talking to him every day. No college kid needs to talk to their mom every day. That’s not to say I won’t still send him terrible jokes but that’s different, that’s a touchstone, not a conversation. I’m glad I still have the summer to work through the whole idea of him stretching his wings.

When they hand you the tiny human they just ripped out of you no one tells you that you’re going to have to tend them, care for them, move the world for them, and then watch them walk away with a smile and an attaboy. They don’t really explain how to cut those apron strings or live with half your heart hundreds of miles away. I’m going to miss him but I’m so damn proud of him I could burst. I have no doubt that my kid will go on to do amazing and important things. I’ve already been informed that he’ll be the first famous writer in the family (thanks for that vote of confidence, family!). Honestly, he probably will though and I’ll be just as pleased as punch to see it happen.

If you’re following along on my own health thing – miraculously, it all came back benign. There were some scary words in my reports and I really didn’t think it was going to go that row but it did! Now my life can get back to normal and I can worry about normal things for a whole 6 months.

Parenting is Weird

Kids are weird. Especially mine, since they’re mine. Today I’m feeling like a terrible mom because I made my youngest go on a field trip with his class. He’s an awesome kid but he really doesn’t like things that don’t go to schedule or aren’t what he’s used to doing. He’s a very regimented kid, he always has been. For some things, it works great – I never have to worry about getting him up for school or getting him to bed. For other things, it’s not so easy. He’s used to meals being at very specific times and doesn’t like to stray from that.

I was super frustrated today – he was coming up with reasons he didn’t want to go and I was basically making sure those concerns were all covered. I should have just let him stay home. Now, he thinks I’m mad (I’m not, just frustrated) and that I called him names because I said he was frustrating and I made him go anyway. The second he got on the bus to school I felt like I should have let him stay home – mom guilt settled in hard and fast and I messaged his homeroom teacher to tell her if he didn’t want to go I’d come and get him.

I’m struggling with this whole thing now, my anxious mom brain full of all the what if Worst-Case-Scenarios (yeah, little bugger got that from me). I know he hates change – it’s part of his particular slice of autism – and I made him go anyway because I really believe he needs to stretch a bit and understand that change isn’t always awful. And I know all the reasons why it’s good to encourage the stretching and all the reasons why I try so hard to do that and I still am feeling like I somehow betrayed him. Huge mom-fail today.

I know pushing his limits is a good thing – if we didn’t, he’d still only eat five things! I know he needs to learn to adapt to changes in his schedule. I know all of these things but that mom guilt is worse than any other guilt I’ve come across (granted, I don’t come from religions that push hard on the guilt buttons though).

I’m going to be a bit of a mess for the rest of the day, until he’s home safe and sound and probably having had a great day. Oh, I hope he has a great day. My brain is going to be super stupid today so I’m going to go be busy doing anything that isn’t constantly checking my phone.

Happy Yet Terrified

There are good things going on in House Wagner this week. So many good things. Make no mistake, I’m thrilled and bursting with pride for my oldest child, but now that college is a really real thing on the horizon, I’m finding myself a little bit terrified too.

My oldest kid got into his first choice school, into their honors program, and with a couple of great scholarships. He’s going to be in the city that has always spoken to him the loudest – he’s always loved the location of it, the history of it, the culture of it. Everything about this opportunity just has him written all over it. It’s an amazing opportunity for him. And still, it scares the dickens out of me.

I have no doubt he’ll do great and go on to do amazing things in a place that fosters the kind of community that he’s always wanted and has yet to find. I have every expectation that he’ll write the next great play or make some groundbreaking documentary, or both of those things, whatever it is that he decides he wants to do. But I have no idea how I’m going to get through it without driving myself nuts.

I am a very positive person. I swear, I really am. Except that I’m always thinking about what if. I tease my youngest about his Worst Case Scenario thinking, but I do it myself. I’m probably where he learned it.

https://gfycat.com/aptfearfulanophelesmosquito

The oldest gets a little taste of the anxiety bug from me as well as we both had a little freakout over the acceptance of said offer of admission. I really am excited for him but I’m also a little bit sad for me. I actually like my kid (when he’s not being a surly teenager). We have interesting conversations (when he lets me get a word in edgewise). We share a lot of interests (though he won’t ever admit that maybe he got that from me in the first place). I’m going to miss him. A lot. And I know he’s not going to come back to this little town except for holidays. He’s aimed for far far away since some kid was picking on him in middle school and he told her that it was ok, she’d be asking people if they want fries with that while he’d own his own business.

I think he got a good helping of his grandparents wanderlust to go with all their too damn smart. Thank goodness for smartphones and text messaging!

 

 

Camping in New England

Big Agnes Big House 6 Tent

The last few days, I’ve been away. I’ve been camping of all things. There’s a lot I want to unpack about that. Camping is not something I actively enjoy but it is something I will do if it means I get to see the ocean or go places that I love. It is one of the things my husband likes to do on purpose, just for camping. This year it was a bit different than it’s been in the past as there were more things to take into consideration, mostly my rheumatoid arthritis.

I struggle to get up off the floor so sleeping on the ground wasn’t really going to work for me which meant we had to get a cot. Getting a cot meant we needed a bigger tent. Thank goodness for REI’s garage sale! We got a great deal on the Big Agnes Big House 6 which fit the four of us with two cots (and two people over 6 foot tall) very comfortably. I slept in a sleeping bag, on a yoga mat, on a cot and when I had the right temperature bag, it wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t sleeping in my bed but it was definitely workable for a few nights.

The American side of Niagara Falls was interesting and beautiful and crowded. Our first campground was in New York. Mostly an RV park where people must come pretty regularly for the season. One RV was even getting a newspaper delivered if the post outside was any indication. It was really cute and well maintained though. After that, we headed off to Winter Island Park in Salem, Ma. If you’re reading this, I really need you to buy my books and have your friends do the same. I want to retire in Salem. Maybe open a bookstore or just write more books. I love it there. It feels like I could belong there. It’s marvelous up there. And I’ve never seen a more dog-friendly city in my life! There were bowls of water out on the sidewalks, every fourth person had a dog with them (and my oldest took pictures of ALL OF THEM).

Moray Eel at Boston Aquarium

We hopped down to Boston and did part of the Freedom Trail. I could not manage to do the whole thing. If you have mobility issues – do yourself a favor and get the trolley tour. Walking it is very hard and those cobbles are beautiful but hard on the feet and joints. We did the Aquarium first and then Faneuil Hall (both the market and the museum portion) before heading to the Old North Church. We finished off at the USS Constitution which was super neat. We had some great food – bacon wrapped scallops, fried calamari, crab cake BLTs (seriously!). We had some terrible coffee – instant Starbucks isn’t any better than regular Starbucks, somehow they make everything taste burnt to me! but the Alpine instant stuff from REI really wasn’t bad.

I bought less than I expected and certainly less of the sorts of things I expected. I did find a Funko Ludo and I love him so the marvelous husband bought him for me. And a silver raven skull necklace. I’m having a thing for corvids right now – especially ravens and crows. Perhaps I’m in transition, perhaps they’re being my muse. Whatever, it’s a thing in my life right now so it made it all the more special.

Winter island lighthouse

We also went through the House of Seven Gables. Let me tell you, there has never been a face so full of joy and wonder as my oldest son’s when they opened up that particular staircase. I live for moments like that. Oldest child had some preconceived notions of some things and was mostly using Fallout for his touchstone but it’s pretty interesting watching the kids learn stuff. The youngest child wasn’t really interested in that part but maybe someday he’ll figure it out. It’s not like he’s going to forget any time soon.

We drove through our old stomping grounds in part so the oldest boy could take a look at Wesleyan in Connecticut and in part because it’s quite the walk down memory lane for us. We even made it to our first apartment building. I definitely wouldn’t mind if the boy ended up in New England. It’d be a great excuse to visit.

 

 

 

Young Komodo Dragon at Clyde Peeling’s Reptiland

Coming home, we stopped at Clyde Peeling’s Reptiland. It’s a really cute but very small zoo devoted to reptiles. They have two – TWO – young Komodo dragons which just so happen to be my husband’s favorite things ever. Pretty sure he feels about them the way I do about octopus and ravens. We had a good time until the birds (where my husband and oldest son proved that they might just be Disney Princesses). My youngest son is autistic and tends to be quite literal. People kept trying to hand him seed sticks to feed the birds and he’d get mad because he thought they were trying to feed him and he’s not a bird (he also doesn’t really like to touch animals that aren’t his critters so much). I’m used to explaining to him when he misunderstands. I’m used to explaining to other people when he misunderstands. I am not used to strange women grabbing me by the shoulders and explaining, very forcefully, that they understand. My brain completely blanked and all I could say was thank you. I appreciate the sentiment greatly (especially the day after) but really, I’m not a fan of people in my space bubble and I’m especially not happy when people are touching me. I don’t know how she wanted me to respond but I don’t think I did it right, I sort of fled. Ok, not sort of, I did flee. Youngest kid and I went out to the gift shop while the other two were playing with parakeets.

Winter Island Park

The most annoying part of the trip though is the fact that we did ALL that walking, none of the snacking, and I managed somehow to stay the exact same weight. That’s some real BS right there. Sure some of what we ate, especially on the way home, wasn’t maybe the best for weight loss but still, I really thought there’d be some drop. And I still have to do all the laundry.

Mad Dash

Every year at the end of the year, I feel this crazy mad-dash urge to get stuff done before the kids are out of school. It’s a little less this year than it has been in the past because, honestly, my kids are a bigger help this year than they have been before. I would love summer if not for the constant bickering. Hopefully, oldest child will find a job and that’ll cut down on some of the bickering if only because they can’t bicker if they aren’t in the same room! There is zero chance of me getting the first draft done in three days (but it won’t be a whole lot longer as my zero was really fleshed out for me) so I’m not going to beat myself up over that. I am going to take a few hours and watch all the things I can’t watch when the kids are home. The oldest doesn’t like anything scary and the youngest is 11 so there are limits.

I don’t know that I have goals for the kids but I do want to take everything out of the little’s room and put it back together, weeding out the stuff that he has no use for and won’t do anything with. Some time this summer we’ll do a yard sale, whether it’s during the big one the neighborhood does or on our own, either way. We’ll spend some time in the woods a few times a week, get in the water as often as possible, and hopefully, enjoy the summer or at least not be miserable. It’d be hard to be worse than last summer so … yeah.

In not summer things: I’m struggling a little this weekend especially because my zero drafts always went direct to my dad for a plot check before I moved on to the next phase of my writing. Bear Ridge isn’t the first book without him as Demonborn was written when he was really too sick and I’d only given him a copy of it a few weeks before he died. So Bear Ridge is the second book I’ve written without him and I’m having a bit of a sulk about that. Honestly, he was really my only cheerleader and there’s just a big hole there now. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate over lunch or breakfast when I typed The End on the zero draft nor will I when I turn in the book. So I’m having a bit of a sulk about that too.

So proud, I’m about to burst

I need to be a little bit braggy right now. My oldest kid has always been a ham, relishing in the spotlight (he is definitely his granddaddy’s grandson!). From the first moment that it was an option, he’s been on the stage. Right now, it’s high school productions but he is always amazing at it. I know, I’m his mom, I have to say that but really, it’s true. He gets a little annoyed sometimes about always being the comic relief type characters (Roger in Grease, LeFou in Beauty and the Beast, and now Willard in Footloose) but he keeps getting that role because he’s so damn good at it (and it doesn’t hurt that he’s willing to get pantsed or thrown across the stage or use a plunger like a microphone).

Last night was the opening night for Footloose. I was a little confused how they’d take that particular movie and make it a musical but it actually really works well – fun script! My kid had the entire theater in stitches especially when his character is trying (and failing spectacularly) to dance. It doesn’t hurt that he’s built like Jack Skellington, all limber and lanky which can either be an awkward jumble or a high kick to beat all high kicks. His physicality is just amazing and he’s downright fearless. I want to be more like him when I grow up.

He can do the real drama too – he was Poe in an Evening With Poe, doing The Raven and absolutely floored me (and a lot of other people). I can’t wait to see what this kid is doing ten years from now. The best way I can explain him is he’s like Danny Kaye and Jeff Goldblum in one body and it really seems like he was just born knowing how to fall in the craziest way possible. At least now, he doesn’t hurt himself when he does it.

If my husband gets a good clip of tomorrow night’s performance, maybe I can talk the kid into letting me share it because he really is crazy awesome. I know I wasn’t the only one laughing so hard I was nearly in tears.

I Peopled Again

Tekko 2018

Sort of. I didn’t meet any celebrities or get anything signed but the family and I went to Tekko over the weekend. Read about most of it over at The Geek Girl Project. We had a really great time. My anxiety was behaving itself and I think I only had one little minute of tension that I thought was going to bloom but the Litany came to the rescue and all was well again. My RA however was not so kind.

I was on my feet most of the day and, even with my cane (which actually got complimented a couple of times), I was really struggling by the end of the day. I say the end of the day but we were only there until about 3:30 or so. We were there for about 6 hours and I’m still paying for it today. Absolutely worth it!

The kids had a blast, I had a blast, I’m not sure about the husband but he must have been having at least an ok time as he went back the next day with the older child so the older child could go to some panels which we didn’t get to do on Saturday. Next year I want to try and see some panels, especially if they are similar in nature to this year’s panels. The one I’m most upset about missing though was an entire panel on cosplaying with chronic pain.

Part of this convention was a happy birthday to me sort of thing and I bought a few things with my birthday money – I probably don’t need any more art or a cute little dragon friend but birthdays aren’t just for things a mama needs. Plus, I think I found my new favorite artist. Listening to her talk about color choice and characterisation was interesting and awesome. Definitely a kindred mind where that sort of thing goes where visual art is concerned. If you get a chance, you should check her out – her Jareth was what I could not leave without: Kaysha Siemens. And I found the artist that did the mystical Nicodemus type rat my husband brought me home the last time they went! I need to get a few more frames and reorganize my wall now.

One thing I noticed that while I understood, it made me very sad, when I was looking at the cute little dragon creatures, the artist had a prepared speech about why they cost what they do, the time it takes to make them, etc. I should have said something then about not needing to explain that but just because I get it doesn’t mean the next person will. It’s just a shame people don’t value art and books the way they do their fancy over sugared coffees.

Just a smattering of days

That’s all I have left of quiet until August. I become accustomed to being by myself for the majority of days during the school year. I come to enjoy it – the freedom to get stuff done without the constant Mama Mama Mama. I adore my kids and, even better, I do actually like them. I’m just never really ready for the end of school. Tuesday shall be watch all the scary movies day because one child is too young and the other is too squicked out by scary.

We’ll have fun this summer. We’ll play in the pool, hatch and catch a ton of Pokemon, hopefully, try new foods, and (for me) lose some more weight. We’ll make things and build things and learn things. We’ll have a grand old time together – we very nearly always do. They already know I’ll be working – both with the freelance and with my books – so I’m not so worried about that. I’ll get stuff done but I am going to miss the quiet and the freedom I have during the school year.

I say quiet but I don’t actually mean quiet as there is always noise in my house as I cannot abide silence. But it’s noise that doesn’t require any action on my part – no responses required at all in fact – so it feels like quiet anyway.